I know I'm behind in writing this post, but it's not b/c I'm discouraged or anything, I lost 1.6! Making my total 5 lbs which was my first goal, my next goal is to get to 10 lbs (baby steps people). I actually ate really well yesterday, but finally broke down and ate 4 mini mint 3 musketeer bars (the bite sized ones) they're the "lowest fat" candy bar I can find, so if I'm dying for chocolate, I don't feel too horrible about having a few of those. For dinner we had tilapia grilled on the foreman with lemon pepper, mixed veggies and wild rice...I'm SO happy to say that everyone in my family, LOVES this meal! I know the wild rice isn't the healthiest, but it's not terrible considering the other 2 entrees were so healthy! Costco's frozen tilapia fillets are our favorites and I can only eat 1/2 of one b/c they're so big. But old Buster Fox can wolf down an entire fillet by himself!
Anyway, I've had a super sick little boy the last 2 days with a high fever and on top of that, a disastrous house and on top of that, Kev and I got asked to speak on Sunday! Needless to say, I've had little for extra computer time.
Wish me luck in reaching a 10 lb weight loss, hopefully within the next 2 weeks! ( I can't help wishing that I too could be pulling some Biggest Looser numbers for myself...if only!)
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Week 1 Complete
I was very nervous at my weigh in this morning, but I went in anyway. Surprise! I lost 3.4!!!! What a relief! I thought there was no way that I could loose that week. My parents took us to Leatherby's and Kev and I took our littlest 2 to Red Robin yesterday after the zoo...there was just no way! Lo and behold somehow I managed to loose at least 3! I know it would've been doubled had I done as well as I did those first two days on the plan, but I didn't and it was ok! After that bowl of celebratory ice cream I had for lunch today, not feeling so good now after eating it though, I plan to do much better this week. After my meeting, which come to find out, is pretty much a senior citizens class, I headed straight across the street to our family fitness center and bought my family a yearly pass. I get a month free of the aerobics classes and then I can choose to upgrade our pass any time in the next year for an unlimited class pass. I actually had a good experience when I went in there, although I wanted to walk in with a brown bag over my head, so that no one would see me, I didn't and guess what? I saw at least 3 people I know who were more than welcoming to see me. My friend Sonja from my ward was there and came up and gave me a big hug and talked to me about joining her for the Sat morning classes. I saw another friend from my ward, Julie, and then Sara's sister Dayna waved at me on her way out. Little things, they might seem to you, but to me it was just what I needed today. People were happy to see me and very encouraging, they probably weren't thinking..."well it's about TIME she get in here and start exercising!" At least they didn't say it out loud and if it were me, seeing someone else I knew come into the gym, I know I wouldn't be thinking/saying such things about them. Anyway, the point is, I'm excited to go back and get in a good work out! Hopefully I can tonight! So there you have it, my update for today! New weight of 248.8! I still weigh more than Arthur's dad on BL, but I'm sure I weigh more than a lot of dads out there (my husband included, he's at my goal weight right now which is 160!) Anyway....
Now I think I'll print up some inspiring and motivational quotes and hang them around my kitchen...yep, that sounds fun! And maybe I'll try attending the ww class on Monday night with my friend Aly and her friends, it might be a younger crowd with young kids like me! (not that I'm a young kid, just that they might have young children in their family and I'd be able to relate to them better).
Now I think I'll print up some inspiring and motivational quotes and hang them around my kitchen...yep, that sounds fun! And maybe I'll try attending the ww class on Monday night with my friend Aly and her friends, it might be a younger crowd with young kids like me! (not that I'm a young kid, just that they might have young children in their family and I'd be able to relate to them better).
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
It's the Night Before...
Here I am the night before my first weigh in, and I've got to say I'm NERVOUS! Nervous means I didn't do or give 100% this week, unfortunately I only did about 50% so I'm not excited about seeing that scale. Ugh! I don't understand why I can't do better for myself. I only exercised twice this week and that's not ok. I've heard that some people only did cardio for 30 min 3-5 times a week and were on ww and lost all of their weight that way. Why is 30 min a day too much to ask. I thought about exercising all week, but could not get myself to follow through. (Is it the depression? What's the deal?)
Last night for FHE we did a little matching game with hearts that had "I love Dallin" on each one, but there was one for each member of the family. When you got a match you had to say something that you loved about that person, and when the game was over, we went back and each said something we loved about everyone in the family. I even told the kids they had to say something about themselves too. Now, I did not realize when saying this, that I too would have to say something about myself. When it was my turn the kids all said something nice (we just had Soupy say, "love you mom" or whoever's turn it was) anyway the kids had said something and I was moving on to the next person and one of them said "wait mom, you have to say something you love about yourself too." I just sat there, feeling very caught off guard and very much at a loss for words. I was trying and trying to think of something I really do love about myself and in the mean time I was feeling horrible about my example to my children of being able to show them how it's important to love ourselves as well as others. I finally said that I love that I have 4 beautiful kids. I'm not saying this for pity, I'm saying it b/c that's why I'm doing this blog, if I write it down, it really seems to help. Anyway, I hope in time, I can feel proud of myself about something. I mean there are little things I am proud about: I try to teach my children good principals in life, and I try to be good to others, but it just kills me that I haven't been able to follow through with things I want for myself lately. I want to be healthy, I want to eat better, to make exercise a habit, to be able to maintain my household order and cleanliness, to make good healthy meals for my family, to gain control of our finances, to get up and out of bed on time (when I want and need to be getting up) and etc etc etc, I am not doing ANY of this right now and I just feel like I'm failing. I'll do well for a little bit, maybe even a week or so at a time, but then I just fall right back into my regular patterns, which are not healthy patterns. I love the saying on the Biggest Looser gym wall by Bob that says "stand up and finish what you start." I want to, I want to do this! Ugh!
(Maybe I shouldn't blog at night, this is when I feel the most ashamed and upset with myself) Here's to hoping I at least can go down some on my weight tomorrow. I think I'll purchase a family gym membership tomorrow too -what with Kev's 104 hours he had last week, I think we can finally afford a membership. Unfortunately I am SOOOOO nervous to go back to the gym, I am so much bigger than the last time I was there and really into going regularly to the classes and such. I just have to get past my first "re-appearance" and then I think I can be ok.
Last night for FHE we did a little matching game with hearts that had "I love Dallin" on each one, but there was one for each member of the family. When you got a match you had to say something that you loved about that person, and when the game was over, we went back and each said something we loved about everyone in the family. I even told the kids they had to say something about themselves too. Now, I did not realize when saying this, that I too would have to say something about myself. When it was my turn the kids all said something nice (we just had Soupy say, "love you mom" or whoever's turn it was) anyway the kids had said something and I was moving on to the next person and one of them said "wait mom, you have to say something you love about yourself too." I just sat there, feeling very caught off guard and very much at a loss for words. I was trying and trying to think of something I really do love about myself and in the mean time I was feeling horrible about my example to my children of being able to show them how it's important to love ourselves as well as others. I finally said that I love that I have 4 beautiful kids. I'm not saying this for pity, I'm saying it b/c that's why I'm doing this blog, if I write it down, it really seems to help. Anyway, I hope in time, I can feel proud of myself about something. I mean there are little things I am proud about: I try to teach my children good principals in life, and I try to be good to others, but it just kills me that I haven't been able to follow through with things I want for myself lately. I want to be healthy, I want to eat better, to make exercise a habit, to be able to maintain my household order and cleanliness, to make good healthy meals for my family, to gain control of our finances, to get up and out of bed on time (when I want and need to be getting up) and etc etc etc, I am not doing ANY of this right now and I just feel like I'm failing. I'll do well for a little bit, maybe even a week or so at a time, but then I just fall right back into my regular patterns, which are not healthy patterns. I love the saying on the Biggest Looser gym wall by Bob that says "stand up and finish what you start." I want to, I want to do this! Ugh!
(Maybe I shouldn't blog at night, this is when I feel the most ashamed and upset with myself) Here's to hoping I at least can go down some on my weight tomorrow. I think I'll purchase a family gym membership tomorrow too -what with Kev's 104 hours he had last week, I think we can finally afford a membership. Unfortunately I am SOOOOO nervous to go back to the gym, I am so much bigger than the last time I was there and really into going regularly to the classes and such. I just have to get past my first "re-appearance" and then I think I can be ok.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Let the Weight Watcher's Begin!
I went this morning to my first meeting and was pleasantly surprised to find out that on their new points plus program...all fresh fruits are ZERO points! Hooray! That's most exciting. I'm feeling very optimistic about this today. I was not happy with my starting weight... (why else would I be starting this in the first place) and I've got to write it down on here so that I can update every Wednesday with what I've lost or gained. HOPEFULLY I will have very few gained weeks, but as I've done this before and as I know I'm human, I'm sure I'll have a few. I'm going to be honest about how I feel about each weigh in and about when I'm feeling like throwing in the towel. I pray that I won't feel like throwing in the towel this time around, but who knows. Please feel free to add any motivational quotes for me to add to my main page and add any healthy tips that you'd like to.
Yesterday was not the greatest eating day, but today I've done pretty well.
For breakfast I had 1 piece of wheat toast with bananas on it (and yes, I did butter the toast), I had a fiber one bar for a snack later and for lunch I had a smart ones "santa fe beans and rice" it was pretty tasty. I also had a few grapes. Unfortunately I'm feeling a little yucky today, by way of headache and slight upset stomach. Probably not the best choice of food that I had for lunch, I hope I don't end up in the bathroom for the rest of the day. Anyhow, I do not feel hungry right now and I'm going to try hard to recognize my body's hunger signals. I felt plenty satisfied after my lunch today.
Alright, here it is: week 1 weigh in: (don't hate me...) (I can't believe I'm going to share this...Kev doesn't even know...yipes) OK here it is (hiding my head right now) 252.2! AAAAH!
Moving on...my 5% goal weight loss is 13 lbs, so I'm focusing in on that. The 90 lbs seems SO overwhelming right now, so 13 lbs doesn't seem so bad. Only I'm a little nervous b/c when I tried the body bugg on my own, I only lost 9 lbs and when I did weight watchers (I will refer to as ww from now on) for the second time I only lost 7 lbs. It will be a real break through for me to loose 10 lbs, so I guess that's my first goal, 10 lbs! Wish me luck.
I hope to get on here and journal my feelings often, but for sure I'll report every Wednesday.
Yesterday was not the greatest eating day, but today I've done pretty well.
For breakfast I had 1 piece of wheat toast with bananas on it (and yes, I did butter the toast), I had a fiber one bar for a snack later and for lunch I had a smart ones "santa fe beans and rice" it was pretty tasty. I also had a few grapes. Unfortunately I'm feeling a little yucky today, by way of headache and slight upset stomach. Probably not the best choice of food that I had for lunch, I hope I don't end up in the bathroom for the rest of the day. Anyhow, I do not feel hungry right now and I'm going to try hard to recognize my body's hunger signals. I felt plenty satisfied after my lunch today.
Alright, here it is: week 1 weigh in: (don't hate me...) (I can't believe I'm going to share this...Kev doesn't even know...yipes) OK here it is (hiding my head right now) 252.2! AAAAH!
Moving on...my 5% goal weight loss is 13 lbs, so I'm focusing in on that. The 90 lbs seems SO overwhelming right now, so 13 lbs doesn't seem so bad. Only I'm a little nervous b/c when I tried the body bugg on my own, I only lost 9 lbs and when I did weight watchers (I will refer to as ww from now on) for the second time I only lost 7 lbs. It will be a real break through for me to loose 10 lbs, so I guess that's my first goal, 10 lbs! Wish me luck.
I hope to get on here and journal my feelings often, but for sure I'll report every Wednesday.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Here We Go....
I was reading my friend's blog today and she decided that she was going to document her "weight loss journey" on her blog, in hopes that by publicizing it, it would only help motivate her to do that much better. So, I've decided to not post on my family's blog about it, but to start another blog just for my own thoughts and feelings. (Not that I disagree with what she's doing AT ALL, I know that sounded wrong or rude, but I just want a separate blog for this drama!)
This is going to be a very personal thing I'm going to share, but I too feel like this may only help motivate me along my own journey, and in some way or another, help me feel accountable for my actions. So please, feel free to read and share your thoughts, and know that this is a big step for me to make these private and personal feelings public (I mean it's obvious to everyone that I'm struggling with my weight) but the feelings have mostly been kept to myself. If I could I would hire a personal trainer and nutritionist and I'd send myself off to one of the Biggest Looser ranches for awhile until I could get myself under control, but since those are completely impossible and out of the question for me, I'm settling with blogging about my continued journey and I'm planning on starting weight watchers again this Wednesday.
On Sunday I popped in the Glenn Beck conversion story DVD that I bought Kev for his bday, since he so rudely watched it without me! (: And some of the things he said on there were quite shocking to me b/c his thoughts of despair and pain while he was still an active alcoholic and non-member were almost exactly some of the same things I've thought about to myself with my eating and lack of exercise habits. And I've decided I am really a food-a-holic and I NEED HELP! I tell myself every night that tomorrow I'm going to do better. Tomorrow I'm going to exercise and pull it together. Tomorrow I'm not going to eat any sweets or junk food, I'm not going to eat after a certain time and night. And EVERY STINKIN' DAY I come up with another excuse to not follow through. I think well, as soon as these are gone I won't buy or make any more, or I can't exercise right now b/c I have to do this or that first, or I don't want the kids to watch me or bother me while I'm trying to do a work out video or whatever. It just goes on and on and on. And frankly I just don't know how to keep my mouth shut when it comes to food cravings. I know I am a choc-o-holic, I have to have chocolate every day, and I'm sure that would be just fine to have a little bit every day IF I had been eating right for the whole day and IF I had at least exercised that day...but no...that's just not the case.
I've tried weight watchers before, once after I had Josh and it worked! I got down to 10 lbs within my goal weight and I felt AMAZING! But then I got pregnant with Dallin and all the blasted weight came right back on and I haven't been able to get a hold of myself since. I did the HCG diet, recently, and lost 21 lbs, but that was so weird. I started feeling a relief that my shirts and clothes weren't feeling so tight anymore, a little bit of self confidence was starting to creep back in and I was feeling good. But after the drops were done, I didn't stick to the continued 6 weeks no sugar no starch and the whole thing was all for not! I did not, however, feel good about the foods I was being asked to avoid during that diet as well as the fact that I felt like I had absolutely NO fiber in the diet. Fiber is a good and healthy thing and through weight watchers (which I'll have started 3 times by the time I start this next round) I've found that it is a key element to better health.
Actually the very first time in my life when I felt good about my body, was right before I got married. I started doing Tae Bo without intentionally doing any monitoring of my diet and I got to my healthy weight range and for the first time I felt completely confident and comfortable with my body! And I was doing great until I got pregnant with Kait and put on a ton of weight. Dang pregnancies!
Anyway...I've had it with myself. I'm SO tired of feeling tired and unmotivated and disgusted with myself...I have GOT to do something and I've got to do it now. I don't like looking and feeling this way. I'm ashamed of the example I am to my children, they need to see me caring about my health and taking care of my body like I want them to do. I know that all of these arising health problems that I've never had before in my life are almost certainly due to my excess weight. My optical nerve endings are elevated (which, in researching, can be due to being overweight) the doctors have been very alarmed about them being elevated and they want me to have a spinal tap done to be sure that I don't have excess pressure on my brain which could be a cause of the elevated nerve endings. But I don't want to do it, b/c I know it'll feel just like an epidural and I hate those things but even more so b/c I know after going through that procedure they'll just end up telling me that it's b/c I am overweight and that I really need to do something about it.
My feet are KILLING me, every morning when I get up they hurt SO bad just to start my walking and moving around for the day. I can't walk normally anymore, I feel like I'm always having to favor my left foot and be really careful with how I walk on it. When I was having a pedicure done the other week, I about jumped through the roof when they started trying to massage my foot! That's the first time it's ever been painful at all, during a pedicure, so I know that my feet are getting even worse. AND I KNOW it's b/c of my weight. The doctor (a few years ago) diagnosed me with planter fasciitis for my foot pain and said along with it being affected by my weight it was also from my constant choice of flip flops for my shoes. I'm not supposed to wear those any more, but I hate the way my legs look, even more, when I wear shoes and socks...so what d'ya do?
My heart has been beating really irregularly lately. I think it's done that off and on for years now, but it seems like it's really getting to be more frequent lately, very much more noticeable. I've thought of going in to the doctor about that, but again, I'm sure they'll just attribute that to my weight also. My hemorrhoids are SO bad right now. They are extremely painful and bothersome...I'm sure that's from the weight too. I don't know.
I realized when we went to 6 Flags in CA last year in Jan, that I can't be going to amusement parks anymore, being this size. My size was more terrifying that ANY of the rides I went on, b/c I was SO afraid of the dang harnesses popping open or not being able to shut all the way and that I would fall out, or that they'd have to "excuse" me from the ride. The airplane ride was horrible, I'm going to have to be one of those people that has to buy an extra seat next time I ride one. I was SO squished! I hate trying to go swimming anymore...it's just SO embarrassing and I have absolutely LOVED swimming my whole life! It's almost one of my favorite recreational things to do and I feel like I can't anymore.
I'm just in tears writing this b/c it's so embarrassing and it's sickening to me to be listing all of these things, but like I said...I'm hoping it will only help me get to my goal faster. I'm not trying to make anyone feel sorry for me, I'm trying to be totally honest and forthcoming with my feelings and future efforts and set backs. Another thing that's going to be hard for me, admitting my failures and really being honest about my reasoning and rationalizing about my actions.
I want to succeed, I want to be healthy and I want to feel good and confident with myself and my body. I don't want to be super model material, I'll be happy getting back to where I was before I got pregnant with Dallin, I'll be happy with myself if I can just follow through and really do for myself what I am hoping I'll do.
Bear with me and please don't feel like you have to be reading this, I don't believe I'll be doing many pictures, I'd love to do a before and after, but I don't know if I'll ever get there at the rate I'm going right now. I guess I'm feeling pretty down right now b/c it's my daughter's 2nd bday today and about a year or 6 months ago, my sisters-in-law Kim and Stephanie both told me that they didn't really get back into shape until their youngest children were 2 years old. Here she is 2 years old and here I am, still blubbered out bigger than ever. I just can't believe this. I look like I'm 5 months pregnant and I know people are wondering if I might be, again. Dallin even asked me if I was going to have another baby because "my tummy is getting WAAAAAAAAAAAY bigger." Bless his little heart, I know he doesn't mean to make me feel bad, but it does and I'd rather he say things like that if it's true b/c I know nobody else will tell me. Kev has been so nice, I just feel so ashamed to be with him. His family are all thin and so are their spouses, I know he's got to feel somewhat embarrassed even though he swears he's not. And it's so hard for me to feel romantic...ever, and I know Kev is taking that as me not really liking him anymore, which is SO not true. ugh! (I told you it would be probably more info that anyone really wanted to hear, but I figure if you're still reading this post by now, you may as well care to know)
I don't know if I need to change my anti-depressant but I just can't get myself motivated enough to actually get up and make this change that so desperately needs to happen. I feel so tired and overwhelmed and unmotivated that I can't tell if it's the wrong medication I'm on or if it's all just due to my overweightness. (not a word, I know)
Anyway....those are my thoughts for today and I just wanted to get it all out there so that I can get moving on my continued quest for health and happiness.
PS I am SO hungry right now. not going to do it...not going to do it.
This is going to be a very personal thing I'm going to share, but I too feel like this may only help motivate me along my own journey, and in some way or another, help me feel accountable for my actions. So please, feel free to read and share your thoughts, and know that this is a big step for me to make these private and personal feelings public (I mean it's obvious to everyone that I'm struggling with my weight) but the feelings have mostly been kept to myself. If I could I would hire a personal trainer and nutritionist and I'd send myself off to one of the Biggest Looser ranches for awhile until I could get myself under control, but since those are completely impossible and out of the question for me, I'm settling with blogging about my continued journey and I'm planning on starting weight watchers again this Wednesday.
On Sunday I popped in the Glenn Beck conversion story DVD that I bought Kev for his bday, since he so rudely watched it without me! (: And some of the things he said on there were quite shocking to me b/c his thoughts of despair and pain while he was still an active alcoholic and non-member were almost exactly some of the same things I've thought about to myself with my eating and lack of exercise habits. And I've decided I am really a food-a-holic and I NEED HELP! I tell myself every night that tomorrow I'm going to do better. Tomorrow I'm going to exercise and pull it together. Tomorrow I'm not going to eat any sweets or junk food, I'm not going to eat after a certain time and night. And EVERY STINKIN' DAY I come up with another excuse to not follow through. I think well, as soon as these are gone I won't buy or make any more, or I can't exercise right now b/c I have to do this or that first, or I don't want the kids to watch me or bother me while I'm trying to do a work out video or whatever. It just goes on and on and on. And frankly I just don't know how to keep my mouth shut when it comes to food cravings. I know I am a choc-o-holic, I have to have chocolate every day, and I'm sure that would be just fine to have a little bit every day IF I had been eating right for the whole day and IF I had at least exercised that day...but no...that's just not the case.
I've tried weight watchers before, once after I had Josh and it worked! I got down to 10 lbs within my goal weight and I felt AMAZING! But then I got pregnant with Dallin and all the blasted weight came right back on and I haven't been able to get a hold of myself since. I did the HCG diet, recently, and lost 21 lbs, but that was so weird. I started feeling a relief that my shirts and clothes weren't feeling so tight anymore, a little bit of self confidence was starting to creep back in and I was feeling good. But after the drops were done, I didn't stick to the continued 6 weeks no sugar no starch and the whole thing was all for not! I did not, however, feel good about the foods I was being asked to avoid during that diet as well as the fact that I felt like I had absolutely NO fiber in the diet. Fiber is a good and healthy thing and through weight watchers (which I'll have started 3 times by the time I start this next round) I've found that it is a key element to better health.
Actually the very first time in my life when I felt good about my body, was right before I got married. I started doing Tae Bo without intentionally doing any monitoring of my diet and I got to my healthy weight range and for the first time I felt completely confident and comfortable with my body! And I was doing great until I got pregnant with Kait and put on a ton of weight. Dang pregnancies!
Anyway...I've had it with myself. I'm SO tired of feeling tired and unmotivated and disgusted with myself...I have GOT to do something and I've got to do it now. I don't like looking and feeling this way. I'm ashamed of the example I am to my children, they need to see me caring about my health and taking care of my body like I want them to do. I know that all of these arising health problems that I've never had before in my life are almost certainly due to my excess weight. My optical nerve endings are elevated (which, in researching, can be due to being overweight) the doctors have been very alarmed about them being elevated and they want me to have a spinal tap done to be sure that I don't have excess pressure on my brain which could be a cause of the elevated nerve endings. But I don't want to do it, b/c I know it'll feel just like an epidural and I hate those things but even more so b/c I know after going through that procedure they'll just end up telling me that it's b/c I am overweight and that I really need to do something about it.
My feet are KILLING me, every morning when I get up they hurt SO bad just to start my walking and moving around for the day. I can't walk normally anymore, I feel like I'm always having to favor my left foot and be really careful with how I walk on it. When I was having a pedicure done the other week, I about jumped through the roof when they started trying to massage my foot! That's the first time it's ever been painful at all, during a pedicure, so I know that my feet are getting even worse. AND I KNOW it's b/c of my weight. The doctor (a few years ago) diagnosed me with planter fasciitis for my foot pain and said along with it being affected by my weight it was also from my constant choice of flip flops for my shoes. I'm not supposed to wear those any more, but I hate the way my legs look, even more, when I wear shoes and socks...so what d'ya do?
My heart has been beating really irregularly lately. I think it's done that off and on for years now, but it seems like it's really getting to be more frequent lately, very much more noticeable. I've thought of going in to the doctor about that, but again, I'm sure they'll just attribute that to my weight also. My hemorrhoids are SO bad right now. They are extremely painful and bothersome...I'm sure that's from the weight too. I don't know.
I realized when we went to 6 Flags in CA last year in Jan, that I can't be going to amusement parks anymore, being this size. My size was more terrifying that ANY of the rides I went on, b/c I was SO afraid of the dang harnesses popping open or not being able to shut all the way and that I would fall out, or that they'd have to "excuse" me from the ride. The airplane ride was horrible, I'm going to have to be one of those people that has to buy an extra seat next time I ride one. I was SO squished! I hate trying to go swimming anymore...it's just SO embarrassing and I have absolutely LOVED swimming my whole life! It's almost one of my favorite recreational things to do and I feel like I can't anymore.
I'm just in tears writing this b/c it's so embarrassing and it's sickening to me to be listing all of these things, but like I said...I'm hoping it will only help me get to my goal faster. I'm not trying to make anyone feel sorry for me, I'm trying to be totally honest and forthcoming with my feelings and future efforts and set backs. Another thing that's going to be hard for me, admitting my failures and really being honest about my reasoning and rationalizing about my actions.
I want to succeed, I want to be healthy and I want to feel good and confident with myself and my body. I don't want to be super model material, I'll be happy getting back to where I was before I got pregnant with Dallin, I'll be happy with myself if I can just follow through and really do for myself what I am hoping I'll do.
Bear with me and please don't feel like you have to be reading this, I don't believe I'll be doing many pictures, I'd love to do a before and after, but I don't know if I'll ever get there at the rate I'm going right now. I guess I'm feeling pretty down right now b/c it's my daughter's 2nd bday today and about a year or 6 months ago, my sisters-in-law Kim and Stephanie both told me that they didn't really get back into shape until their youngest children were 2 years old. Here she is 2 years old and here I am, still blubbered out bigger than ever. I just can't believe this. I look like I'm 5 months pregnant and I know people are wondering if I might be, again. Dallin even asked me if I was going to have another baby because "my tummy is getting WAAAAAAAAAAAY bigger." Bless his little heart, I know he doesn't mean to make me feel bad, but it does and I'd rather he say things like that if it's true b/c I know nobody else will tell me. Kev has been so nice, I just feel so ashamed to be with him. His family are all thin and so are their spouses, I know he's got to feel somewhat embarrassed even though he swears he's not. And it's so hard for me to feel romantic...ever, and I know Kev is taking that as me not really liking him anymore, which is SO not true. ugh! (I told you it would be probably more info that anyone really wanted to hear, but I figure if you're still reading this post by now, you may as well care to know)
I don't know if I need to change my anti-depressant but I just can't get myself motivated enough to actually get up and make this change that so desperately needs to happen. I feel so tired and overwhelmed and unmotivated that I can't tell if it's the wrong medication I'm on or if it's all just due to my overweightness. (not a word, I know)
Anyway....those are my thoughts for today and I just wanted to get it all out there so that I can get moving on my continued quest for health and happiness.
PS I am SO hungry right now. not going to do it...not going to do it.
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