Well, it's been a month of NOTHING in working towards my goal. See, I don't know what's wrong with me I want this, I want to change my body and yet the wanting doesn't seem to be motivating enough. What does that mean?
We went to Cherry Hill yesterday for our Freer Family Reunion....dread....
I wish I did not LOVE to swim so much so that I wouldn't even be tempted to get in the water, but alas, my love wins over my pride. I must have none left b/c last year when we went to Cherry hill, I was determined not to get in at all and this year, I just got in anyway and I'm even bigger now than I was then. Am I just accepting that I'm fat and that's just how it is now? This was the first time I've ever skipped the water slides and river run up there, I never thought I'd see the day. We are going again in Aug with Rory and Rebecca's families and I hope something will be different by then (I know I won't have lost all my weight, by any means, but at least some would be a great accomplishment with the way things are going right now.)
Kevin has decided he's not going to hold back anymore with "helping" me loose weight. We talked about it a few weeks ago at my cousin's house and I felt that he was sincere and truly worried about my well being and happiness. Yesterday as we were laying in bed, he says, "well, what are we gonna do? How are we going to change things and get you in shape?" He said that he wants me to start getting up early and exercising and that soon it will start feeling good to do that and that I'll like doing it. Also that we should start going to the gym a few times a week in the evening together as a family. Ok, well that was fine I guess. But then tonight as we were laying in bed I said, "oh, I'm SO hot! I'm like sweating. Aren't you hot?" He sighed and said, "well it's probably because of all that extra insulation you've got." JERK! SO NOT HELPING. I was trying to decide how I felt about that, that I should just let it go or whatever, but of course it hurt really bad for him to say that. I know it's true but he doesn't need to be such a jerk about it. I looked at him, after a few minutes and said, "look, I don't mind if you want to give me advice or whatever, but you don't have to be rude like that." He said, "I know, I'm sorry honey."
I'm still upset, hence my setting up a bed out here in the living room on the couch. I wish I could just send him to the couch, but he would never do that. I just feel like I don't even want to be near him right now...and I'm wishing I would've punched him in the arm for saying that. (I'm not usually a violent person, but y'know.)
Anyway, had to get that off my chest so at least I can try to get some sleep.
I have everything all set out for me to get up and go walking in the morning..although with Kevin's snide remark, I feel like not even going now, just to upset him. UGH! Why does he have to be such a loud mouth sometimes? Seriously?
Anyway, I'm planning on getting up to go walking around 7:00....we will see. I hope I will. I will.
