The Winds of Change...

Well folks! Shock of all shockers, I'm ready to get my butt in gear and start the change. I'm just getting so horrified of myself when I look in the mirror and Dallin has told me that my tummy is "waaaaay big, like there's a baby in it...are we gonna get another baby mom?" one too many times. I'm sick of being so disgusted with myself and hating who I am. I want to take care of myself so that I can love myself and in turn show more love for the people around me. I'm reading Dr. Phil's total weight loss challenge, and we're starting a new financial plan with a financial counselor. Think how great I'll feel when I know that I'm starting to implement new plans to better my life and my families future. I can do it this time and I will do it this time. "One choice at a time, one step at a time, one day at a time." I will eat to nourish my body and not to fill a void (have to figure out what the void is exactly) but I want to respect the body that Heavenly Father has entrusted me with and be better. I'm excited!!!

I've been thinking

"When the heart is willing, it will find a thousand ways. When the heart is unwilling, it will find a thousand excuses." Arlen Price

Sara posted this on Facebook the other day and I've been thinking about it a lot. So with this, Biggest Looser on again and just my overall feeling of crap, I believe I might be on a motivated streak. Let's PRAY it's not just a streak again. Things have got to change. "Change will only come when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change." Love that quote too. I've been thinking about something else an instructor for weight watchers told us once too, he said, "maintaining weight is hard...loosing weight is hard....choose your hard." I keep telling myself that yes loosing weight is going to be hard and take everything I've got, HOWEVER, this "hard" will be physically and mentally (to get myself to do it) and the hard part of living the way I am, is how I feel about myself. When I'm not "trying" I feel like crap inside and out, when I AM trying, I at least feel a little better about myself. I don't know if that makes sense at all, but these are all the thoughts I've been having lately.
That being said, Sara's quote got me through my work out today. Sometimes when I walk up 6000 W. I have a goal of walking all the way to 47th, I like that b/c when I turn around to come back down, I have a great view of the whole Salt Lake Valley, and by the time I get back home, I will have walked 3 miles. Now compared to my walk yesterday around Liberty Park, this view seemed more like "the lone and dreary wilderness." It is cool to see that far out, I just wish Liberty Park were closer. I absolutely LOVE the huge trees and all of the open grass areas, with water features here and there. The weather was like 71 yesterday and I believe a little higher today (note it's October 14th!) and it was such a perfect day to go to the park. It was just Soupy and me and we first fed the ducks and geese, then walked the perimeter of the park, stopping on the play ground once and then over to the seven rivers canyons feature place. I LOVE how beautiful it is there...so peaceful.
Anyhow, so far I've purposely exercised 3 times this month. Pathetic I know, but this is the first "2 days in a row" I've done in a long time. I need rehab so I know this is going to be rough, but here's to trying again!

All I See Is...

...Fatty Fat Fatty!

This is really sad b/c these are all "happy" pictures. Hiking with my sister, reunited with Pouncer and paddling around with the kids. I'm getting tired of only seeing the failure with my self control and self motivation, every time I see myself in a picture lately. I cringe each time, and want to make sure that nobody sees it. WHY IS THAT NOT ENOUGH TO COMPEL ME TO FIX IT?!?!
I honestly need calorie/carb rehab, I don't see how else this is going to happen for me. It's hopeless. "what a world...what a world"






P.S. I'm considering making this blog just a private blog for myself, seeing as how I'm just wallowing in self pity and disgust right now. I promise I am not saying any of this to try and get attention (believe me that is THE LAST thing I want right now), but I said I'd be brutally honest with my feelings on here and so that's what I'm doing right now. That's all.

Oh Bother

"Every morning I wake up on a diet...and every night I end with failure"

June 19th....Really?

Well, it's been a month of NOTHING in working towards my goal. See, I don't know what's wrong with me I want this, I want to change my body and yet the wanting doesn't seem to be motivating enough. What does that mean?
We went to Cherry Hill yesterday for our Freer Family Reunion....dread....
I wish I did not LOVE to swim so much so that I wouldn't even be tempted to get in the water, but alas, my love wins over my pride. I must have none left b/c last year when we went to Cherry hill, I was determined not to get in at all and this year, I just got in anyway and I'm even bigger now than I was then. Am I just accepting that I'm fat and that's just how it is now? This was the first time I've ever skipped the water slides and river run up there, I never thought I'd see the day. We are going again in Aug with Rory and Rebecca's families and I hope something will be different by then (I know I won't have lost all my weight, by any means, but at least some would be a great accomplishment with the way things are going right now.)
Kevin has decided he's not going to hold back anymore with "helping" me loose weight. We talked about it a few weeks ago at my cousin's house and I felt that he was sincere and truly worried about my well being and happiness. Yesterday as we were laying in bed, he says, "well, what are we gonna do? How are we going to change things and get you in shape?" He said that he wants me to start getting up early and exercising and that soon it will start feeling good to do that and that I'll like doing it. Also that we should start going to the gym a few times a week in the evening together as a family. Ok, well that was fine I guess. But then tonight as we were laying in bed I said, "oh, I'm SO hot! I'm like sweating. Aren't you hot?" He sighed and said, "well it's probably because of all that extra insulation you've got." JERK! SO NOT HELPING. I was trying to decide how I felt about that, that I should just let it go or whatever, but of course it hurt really bad for him to say that. I know it's true but he doesn't need to be such a jerk about it. I looked at him, after a few minutes and said, "look, I don't mind if you want to give me advice or whatever, but you don't have to be rude like that." He said, "I know, I'm sorry honey."
I'm still upset, hence my setting up a bed out here in the living room on the couch. I wish I could just send him to the couch, but he would never do that. I just feel like I don't even want to be near him right now...and I'm wishing I would've punched him in the arm for saying that. (I'm not usually a violent person, but y'know.)
Anyway, had to get that off my chest so at least I can try to get some sleep.
I have everything all set out for me to get up and go walking in the morning..although with Kevin's snide remark, I feel like not even going now, just to upset him. UGH! Why does he have to be such a loud mouth sometimes? Seriously?
Anyway, I'm planning on getting up to go walking around 7:00....we will see. I hope I will. I will.

Maybe This Will Work

As I'm sitting here watching The Biggest Looser, I've decided I'm going to try one week focusing on eating great and then the next week focusing on exercising each day. Perhaps that can help ease me into starting new habits. I'm just grabbin' at straws here. I want to feel great like these final four do on BL, I can tell they feel great inside and out. I've felt that before a couple of times in my life and I want to want that enough to actually be able to stick with it and DO something about it! Heaven help me....Rachel HELP ME, HELP YOU!!!!!

Boo

Hated stepping a foot out of my house today, I feel like nothing is fitting AGAIN and I'm already in a freakin' 3X. I look like I'm about 7mos pregnant or something. I am totally disgusted with myself and my lack of self discipline and I feel like shiz. Poopy.
Word of warning, others may not want to be reading this blog for awhile until I can pull myself together, it's not going to be pretty.