I've been thinking

"When the heart is willing, it will find a thousand ways. When the heart is unwilling, it will find a thousand excuses." Arlen Price

Sara posted this on Facebook the other day and I've been thinking about it a lot. So with this, Biggest Looser on again and just my overall feeling of crap, I believe I might be on a motivated streak. Let's PRAY it's not just a streak again. Things have got to change. "Change will only come when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change." Love that quote too. I've been thinking about something else an instructor for weight watchers told us once too, he said, "maintaining weight is hard...loosing weight is hard....choose your hard." I keep telling myself that yes loosing weight is going to be hard and take everything I've got, HOWEVER, this "hard" will be physically and mentally (to get myself to do it) and the hard part of living the way I am, is how I feel about myself. When I'm not "trying" I feel like crap inside and out, when I AM trying, I at least feel a little better about myself. I don't know if that makes sense at all, but these are all the thoughts I've been having lately.
That being said, Sara's quote got me through my work out today. Sometimes when I walk up 6000 W. I have a goal of walking all the way to 47th, I like that b/c when I turn around to come back down, I have a great view of the whole Salt Lake Valley, and by the time I get back home, I will have walked 3 miles. Now compared to my walk yesterday around Liberty Park, this view seemed more like "the lone and dreary wilderness." It is cool to see that far out, I just wish Liberty Park were closer. I absolutely LOVE the huge trees and all of the open grass areas, with water features here and there. The weather was like 71 yesterday and I believe a little higher today (note it's October 14th!) and it was such a perfect day to go to the park. It was just Soupy and me and we first fed the ducks and geese, then walked the perimeter of the park, stopping on the play ground once and then over to the seven rivers canyons feature place. I LOVE how beautiful it is there...so peaceful.
Anyhow, so far I've purposely exercised 3 times this month. Pathetic I know, but this is the first "2 days in a row" I've done in a long time. I need rehab so I know this is going to be rough, but here's to trying again!

All I See Is...

...Fatty Fat Fatty!

This is really sad b/c these are all "happy" pictures. Hiking with my sister, reunited with Pouncer and paddling around with the kids. I'm getting tired of only seeing the failure with my self control and self motivation, every time I see myself in a picture lately. I cringe each time, and want to make sure that nobody sees it. WHY IS THAT NOT ENOUGH TO COMPEL ME TO FIX IT?!?!
I honestly need calorie/carb rehab, I don't see how else this is going to happen for me. It's hopeless. "what a world...what a world"






P.S. I'm considering making this blog just a private blog for myself, seeing as how I'm just wallowing in self pity and disgust right now. I promise I am not saying any of this to try and get attention (believe me that is THE LAST thing I want right now), but I said I'd be brutally honest with my feelings on here and so that's what I'm doing right now. That's all.

Oh Bother

"Every morning I wake up on a diet...and every night I end with failure"

June 19th....Really?

Well, it's been a month of NOTHING in working towards my goal. See, I don't know what's wrong with me I want this, I want to change my body and yet the wanting doesn't seem to be motivating enough. What does that mean?
We went to Cherry Hill yesterday for our Freer Family Reunion....dread....
I wish I did not LOVE to swim so much so that I wouldn't even be tempted to get in the water, but alas, my love wins over my pride. I must have none left b/c last year when we went to Cherry hill, I was determined not to get in at all and this year, I just got in anyway and I'm even bigger now than I was then. Am I just accepting that I'm fat and that's just how it is now? This was the first time I've ever skipped the water slides and river run up there, I never thought I'd see the day. We are going again in Aug with Rory and Rebecca's families and I hope something will be different by then (I know I won't have lost all my weight, by any means, but at least some would be a great accomplishment with the way things are going right now.)
Kevin has decided he's not going to hold back anymore with "helping" me loose weight. We talked about it a few weeks ago at my cousin's house and I felt that he was sincere and truly worried about my well being and happiness. Yesterday as we were laying in bed, he says, "well, what are we gonna do? How are we going to change things and get you in shape?" He said that he wants me to start getting up early and exercising and that soon it will start feeling good to do that and that I'll like doing it. Also that we should start going to the gym a few times a week in the evening together as a family. Ok, well that was fine I guess. But then tonight as we were laying in bed I said, "oh, I'm SO hot! I'm like sweating. Aren't you hot?" He sighed and said, "well it's probably because of all that extra insulation you've got." JERK! SO NOT HELPING. I was trying to decide how I felt about that, that I should just let it go or whatever, but of course it hurt really bad for him to say that. I know it's true but he doesn't need to be such a jerk about it. I looked at him, after a few minutes and said, "look, I don't mind if you want to give me advice or whatever, but you don't have to be rude like that." He said, "I know, I'm sorry honey."
I'm still upset, hence my setting up a bed out here in the living room on the couch. I wish I could just send him to the couch, but he would never do that. I just feel like I don't even want to be near him right now...and I'm wishing I would've punched him in the arm for saying that. (I'm not usually a violent person, but y'know.)
Anyway, had to get that off my chest so at least I can try to get some sleep.
I have everything all set out for me to get up and go walking in the morning..although with Kevin's snide remark, I feel like not even going now, just to upset him. UGH! Why does he have to be such a loud mouth sometimes? Seriously?
Anyway, I'm planning on getting up to go walking around 7:00....we will see. I hope I will. I will.

Maybe This Will Work

As I'm sitting here watching The Biggest Looser, I've decided I'm going to try one week focusing on eating great and then the next week focusing on exercising each day. Perhaps that can help ease me into starting new habits. I'm just grabbin' at straws here. I want to feel great like these final four do on BL, I can tell they feel great inside and out. I've felt that before a couple of times in my life and I want to want that enough to actually be able to stick with it and DO something about it! Heaven help me....Rachel HELP ME, HELP YOU!!!!!

Boo

Hated stepping a foot out of my house today, I feel like nothing is fitting AGAIN and I'm already in a freakin' 3X. I look like I'm about 7mos pregnant or something. I am totally disgusted with myself and my lack of self discipline and I feel like shiz. Poopy.
Word of warning, others may not want to be reading this blog for awhile until I can pull myself together, it's not going to be pretty.

In a Slump....AGAIN!

This is ridiculous! Seriously, I did really well for April (I had many x'd out days) and was all excited to go to Arches and get in some great hiking. Well, we did get in TONS of walking and hiking and I didn't feel like I harfed down too much. Come to find out, I gained like 2 or 3 pounds from the dangful blasted trip!!! So I guess that's why I've given up this week. I have felt pretty yucky all week (upset stomach) and extremely tired/fatigued. I don't know what's up. I'm hoping to get started again this next week, if not then the following week. We have a pretty crazy week ahead of us, with dance and Josh's birthday and preschool programs and such.
Anyhoof....that's the shpeel....I'm feeling very crappy and disappointed in myself, even disgusted too! Those mirrors and camera pictures are AWFUL, I'm sorry for everyone who has to look at me like this, I cringe each time I see the mirror....UGH!
Sorry, this sounds so pathetic, but like I said, I'm letting it all out and writing down all of my true feelings. Blah. The end.

a new love?

I tried swimming for 40 min this morning for my workout today and it was GREAT! I just LOVE to swim (minus my appearance) I really enjoy the water and I was actually excited to get up at 5:45 to go swimming! I got some earplugs last night, which really helped out today, now I just need some goggles, another jumbo towel and another swimsuit would be nice. I think I'll have to settle for goggles for now though. It was great! There were only like 10 people in the pool and I kept looking up at the people on the bikes and treadmills, thinking, "I'm SO glad I'm not up there, it's nice here in the pool." Hopefully, this will get me excited to exercise again! I've been doing rather well this month. Last week was the first week that I missed 2 days (not counting Sundays, that's my day off). Other than that, I've been doing well getting in at least 5 days a week and sometimes 6.
Eating...not so great! I guess I can't win, I can't control myself with both issues, so I guess I feel better making sure that I exercise if anything. When I lost weight right before I got married, I didn't consiously do anything with my diet, I just naturally shyed away from junk food as I got feeling healthier. Hopefully I can get to that point soon. I do need to be more careful with what I eat though. ugh!
Well, pat on the back for exercising so much better this month. And our vacation to Moab will be a great one for exercising too...I love to hike! (:

Out of the mouth of babes...

Kev just tucked Dallin in for the night and as he was shutting the door, Dallin says "Dad, when mom exercises her bum will get more tiny!" AWESOME! We did talk about that a little bit the other day...so glad he decided to share that with Kev!
Well, today I went to the gym twice!!! Yay me! It felt great, but now it's only 9:35 and I'm dead to the world! Early bedtime for me tonight!
Anyway.....

Progress?

As of today (starting last Tues) I've exercised every day, except Sunday, and I feel so pumped! I don't know how else to describe it! (:
We, as a family, have officially deemed Tuesday and Wednesday nights as "family work out nights" and so that should be helpful.
I've been doing the stationary bike and jogging/walking the track and abs. I'm feeling better that I'm trying again and I'm anxious to start seeing some results!
That's all for now. Let's cross our fingers!

At Last!

Well, I completely fell off the wagon there for awhile. I told ya, I'll do well for a couple of weeks then BAM, I fall right back down.
I am proud to say that we, as a family, went to the gym tonight. Kev and I got a great workout in while the kids played in the play area. We cycled for 1/2 an hour, then did walking and jogging intervals on the track. Can I just say how helpful it was to have Kev there with me? He can be brutally honest, when I come right out and ask him, or say something about my self image, but it doesn't upset me like it used to, b/c I KNOW that he loves me and is truly trying to help.
I don't know what I'm going to do about weight watchers anymore. I like the meetings, but I guess I just feel so alone in the program and it just about kills me to think of tracking every single dang thing that I eat. But I know that's what will work. Who knows...maybe I'm just a hopeless cause on my eating habits. I feel like eating makes me happy and gives me comfort (although many times I find myself feeling so guilty after making a poor food choice.) Perhaps if I can get some good exercise habits back into my life, the good eating will come. When I got in the best shape of my life (right before I got married) all I did was do tae bo every day and I just naturally turned away from fast food and junk food. I still think I definitely need to watch what I eat for optimal results but for me right now, I've just got to take one step at a time. "One choice at a time."

Quick update

Last week I chose not to weigh in (you can do that once) and just attend the meeting. The meeting was great and I felt re motivated for 2 days at least! If only I could write down what I eat, I think that'd make a big difference. But the thought of writing down each thing just makes me want to hurl!
I didn't weigh in today either, I really didn't have time. I think I will go in tomorrow and weigh in, I know I won't have any sort of good results, but I guess I'll keep trying anyway.
I found out that I have a ganglion cyst in my right wrist, which has been causing me pain for the last month or more. Now I have to wear this hideous wrist brace around for 2 weeks. For some reason it makes me feel like I can't exercise, lame excuse I know.
Anyway, hopefully I'll have an incredible meeting tomorrow...heaven knows I need it!

UGH

NOT DOING WELL....I can't seem to get back on track here and I'm worried already about just throwing in the towel. I don't know what's wrong with me.

Week 3

Well, I forced myself to go and weigh in this morning...I knew it....I'm up 1 lb. It may not sound like a lot to people who haven't done ww before, but NOW I have that one more pound added to my MOUNTAIN of weight I have yet to loose. Anyhow...I am ever so glad that ww goes on a week by week schedule. I can put last week behind me and today starts my new week. I'm going to go to Friday's class at noon, b/c right now Kev has Fridays off at work and if I don't have to get a babysitter...hey! All the better.
I do have to say that all those chex muddy buddies were delicious though! Every day Dallin begs me to make more...it's so hard when I absolutely love those things, who wouldn't love chocolate, peanut butter and a nice crunch in the middle. mmmmm
AND I just got home from Costco and I couldn't resist buying a canister of those chocolate covered raisins and peanuts. My family always gets mad at me for buying just the raisin ones, so I got the peanut ones this time too. Bad idea...I love those peanut ones too.
Why do I do this to myself?
Here's to a better week! GO ME.

Well...It's Happened!

Already, I've just had a bad week for my weight watchers plan! Can you believe it? It's only week three and I'm dreading weighing in tomorrow. I know I'm going to be plus. Here are my excuses...
I had to talk in church on Sunday (all consuming my thoughts), Dallin was sick with a fever from last Tues until Sunday. And to top that all off, I've got ANOTHER that's right folks, I said another sinus infection. So far I've had one every month this year! So here's what we're trying for my meds this time, they've put me on 2,000 mg of Amoxicillan! That means I take 4 pills twice daily for THREE weeks! Doesn't that sound like a lot? Well, I'm really hoping it can at least postpone my next infection for a few months. ugh!
I do have one very positive outcome from the past week though, and it's one that I would trade any day for gaining a couple of pounds instead of loosing them. And it's that, I had such a FABULOUS week for my spirit! I knew that I had to speak on Sunday, so I tried to get in every thing that I possibly could to feel closer to the spirit. On Wednesday I got to go to hear Rachelle, Sara and Rachelle's sister in law, Jamie, speak for an enrichment night (or something like that). It was wonderful. I felt like Jamie's talk was everything I needed to hear and it went right along with my topic for my talk. She was very kind to give me all of her references afterwards. I love her, she is SUCH an amazing person and if I can turn out to be even close to the woman that she is, I feel very accomplished with my life.
The next boost I had was that Kev and I went to the temple Friday afternoon (he's working 4 10's right now, so he has fridays off for awhile). It was great and I even got to have Bonnie as my veil worker helper, which was so neat. After the temple I went over to my parents house (they were going out for the evening) and brought all of my talk stuff over there. I spent maybe 4 hours there (the time just FLEW by) in complete silence and serenity. Her house was so clean and in order, it was peaceful and quiet and I felt that the spirit was with me there as I wrote out and put together all of my thoughts for my talk. It really was such a "fill my cup" retreat for me. I felt bad being gone for so long, but I needed that so much.
And finally on Saturday morning we had our annual stake women's conference at the Stake Center. It was wonderful, as usual, and the main speaker was just my favorite. She's a recording artist for Deseret Book, Jenny Phillips, and she really said a lot of things that helped my talk even more.
Then on Sunday morning as Kev and I were kinda wigging out about having to speak, I kept a prayer in my heart and was trying to think of all I had studied. I was in the shower and I gave one more plea to Heavenly Father to "please please help me to be calm and to remember everything I'd planned etc." Almost immediately after those words were whispered from my lips the thought of "trust God, then go and do," came into my head and I felt like wow! That was actually the name of my talk and here I was feeling all worried and stuff when all along I should've just remembered those words. It was a really neat experience for me. Then on Sunday as I got up to speak (I was nervous before) a calmness rushed over me and I felt like it went pretty well, other than that I wish I didn't have to read so much from my notes, but I can't do it any other way. I've never had so many people approach me and say that they liked my talk. (not to toot my own horn, or anything, but that just really meant a lot to me.)
So it all boils down to this...I'll just take it all in stride and if I had to trade a weight loss for that incredible spiritual gain, I'll do it!
And I'll still go in and weigh in tomorrow, even though it's going to be embarrassing, I'll keep on going and hope for a better week (physically) this week.
Thanks for reading this novel of a post, if you made it this far, mostly I just wanted to get my experience recorded somewhere.

On to Week 2

I know I'm behind in writing this post, but it's not b/c I'm discouraged or anything, I lost 1.6! Making my total 5 lbs which was my first goal, my next goal is to get to 10 lbs (baby steps people). I actually ate really well yesterday, but finally broke down and ate 4 mini mint 3 musketeer bars (the bite sized ones) they're the "lowest fat" candy bar I can find, so if I'm dying for chocolate, I don't feel too horrible about having a few of those. For dinner we had tilapia grilled on the foreman with lemon pepper, mixed veggies and wild rice...I'm SO happy to say that everyone in my family, LOVES this meal! I know the wild rice isn't the healthiest, but it's not terrible considering the other 2 entrees were so healthy! Costco's frozen tilapia fillets are our favorites and I can only eat 1/2 of one b/c they're so big. But old Buster Fox can wolf down an entire fillet by himself!
Anyway, I've had a super sick little boy the last 2 days with a high fever and on top of that, a disastrous house and on top of that, Kev and I got asked to speak on Sunday! Needless to say, I've had little for extra computer time.
Wish me luck in reaching a 10 lb weight loss, hopefully within the next 2 weeks! ( I can't help wishing that I too could be pulling some Biggest Looser numbers for myself...if only!)

Week 1 Complete

I was very nervous at my weigh in this morning, but I went in anyway. Surprise! I lost 3.4!!!! What a relief! I thought there was no way that I could loose that week. My parents took us to Leatherby's and Kev and I took our littlest 2 to Red Robin yesterday after the zoo...there was just no way! Lo and behold somehow I managed to loose at least 3! I know it would've been doubled had I done as well as I did those first two days on the plan, but I didn't and it was ok! After that bowl of celebratory ice cream I had for lunch today, not feeling so good now after eating it though, I plan to do much better this week. After my meeting, which come to find out, is pretty much a senior citizens class, I headed straight across the street to our family fitness center and bought my family a yearly pass. I get a month free of the aerobics classes and then I can choose to upgrade our pass any time in the next year for an unlimited class pass. I actually had a good experience when I went in there, although I wanted to walk in with a brown bag over my head, so that no one would see me, I didn't and guess what? I saw at least 3 people I know who were more than welcoming to see me. My friend Sonja from my ward was there and came up and gave me a big hug and talked to me about joining her for the Sat morning classes. I saw another friend from my ward, Julie, and then Sara's sister Dayna waved at me on her way out. Little things, they might seem to you, but to me it was just what I needed today. People were happy to see me and very encouraging, they probably weren't thinking..."well it's about TIME she get in here and start exercising!" At least they didn't say it out loud and if it were me, seeing someone else I knew come into the gym, I know I wouldn't be thinking/saying such things about them. Anyway, the point is, I'm excited to go back and get in a good work out! Hopefully I can tonight! So there you have it, my update for today! New weight of 248.8! I still weigh more than Arthur's dad on BL, but I'm sure I weigh more than a lot of dads out there (my husband included, he's at my goal weight right now which is 160!) Anyway....
Now I think I'll print up some inspiring and motivational quotes and hang them around my kitchen...yep, that sounds fun! And maybe I'll try attending the ww class on Monday night with my friend Aly and her friends, it might be a younger crowd with young kids like me! (not that I'm a young kid, just that they might have young children in their family and I'd be able to relate to them better).

It's the Night Before...

Here I am the night before my first weigh in, and I've got to say I'm NERVOUS! Nervous means I didn't do or give 100% this week, unfortunately I only did about 50% so I'm not excited about seeing that scale. Ugh! I don't understand why I can't do better for myself. I only exercised twice this week and that's not ok. I've heard that some people only did cardio for 30 min 3-5 times a week and were on ww and lost all of their weight that way. Why is 30 min a day too much to ask. I thought about exercising all week, but could not get myself to follow through. (Is it the depression? What's the deal?)
Last night for FHE we did a little matching game with hearts that had "I love Dallin" on each one, but there was one for each member of the family. When you got a match you had to say something that you loved about that person, and when the game was over, we went back and each said something we loved about everyone in the family. I even told the kids they had to say something about themselves too. Now, I did not realize when saying this, that I too would have to say something about myself. When it was my turn the kids all said something nice (we just had Soupy say, "love you mom" or whoever's turn it was) anyway the kids had said something and I was moving on to the next person and one of them said "wait mom, you have to say something you love about yourself too." I just sat there, feeling very caught off guard and very much at a loss for words. I was trying and trying to think of something I really do love about myself and in the mean time I was feeling horrible about my example to my children of being able to show them how it's important to love ourselves as well as others. I finally said that I love that I have 4 beautiful kids. I'm not saying this for pity, I'm saying it b/c that's why I'm doing this blog, if I write it down, it really seems to help. Anyway, I hope in time, I can feel proud of myself about something. I mean there are little things I am proud about: I try to teach my children good principals in life, and I try to be good to others, but it just kills me that I haven't been able to follow through with things I want for myself lately. I want to be healthy, I want to eat better, to make exercise a habit, to be able to maintain my household order and cleanliness, to make good healthy meals for my family, to gain control of our finances, to get up and out of bed on time (when I want and need to be getting up) and etc etc etc, I am not doing ANY of this right now and I just feel like I'm failing. I'll do well for a little bit, maybe even a week or so at a time, but then I just fall right back into my regular patterns, which are not healthy patterns. I love the saying on the Biggest Looser gym wall by Bob that says "stand up and finish what you start." I want to, I want to do this! Ugh!
(Maybe I shouldn't blog at night, this is when I feel the most ashamed and upset with myself) Here's to hoping I at least can go down some on my weight tomorrow. I think I'll purchase a family gym membership tomorrow too -what with Kev's 104 hours he had last week, I think we can finally afford a membership. Unfortunately I am SOOOOO nervous to go back to the gym, I am so much bigger than the last time I was there and really into going regularly to the classes and such. I just have to get past my first "re-appearance" and then I think I can be ok.

Let the Weight Watcher's Begin!

I went this morning to my first meeting and was pleasantly surprised to find out that on their new points plus program...all fresh fruits are ZERO points! Hooray! That's most exciting. I'm feeling very optimistic about this today. I was not happy with my starting weight... (why else would I be starting this in the first place) and I've got to write it down on here so that I can update every Wednesday with what I've lost or gained. HOPEFULLY I will have very few gained weeks, but as I've done this before and as I know I'm human, I'm sure I'll have a few. I'm going to be honest about how I feel about each weigh in and about when I'm feeling like throwing in the towel. I pray that I won't feel like throwing in the towel this time around, but who knows. Please feel free to add any motivational quotes for me to add to my main page and add any healthy tips that you'd like to.
Yesterday was not the greatest eating day, but today I've done pretty well.
For breakfast I had 1 piece of wheat toast with bananas on it (and yes, I did butter the toast), I had a fiber one bar for a snack later and for lunch I had a smart ones "santa fe beans and rice" it was pretty tasty. I also had a few grapes. Unfortunately I'm feeling a little yucky today, by way of headache and slight upset stomach. Probably not the best choice of food that I had for lunch, I hope I don't end up in the bathroom for the rest of the day. Anyhow, I do not feel hungry right now and I'm going to try hard to recognize my body's hunger signals. I felt plenty satisfied after my lunch today.
Alright, here it is: week 1 weigh in: (don't hate me...) (I can't believe I'm going to share this...Kev doesn't even know...yipes) OK here it is (hiding my head right now) 252.2! AAAAH!
Moving on...my 5% goal weight loss is 13 lbs, so I'm focusing in on that. The 90 lbs seems SO overwhelming right now, so 13 lbs doesn't seem so bad. Only I'm a little nervous b/c when I tried the body bugg on my own, I only lost 9 lbs and when I did weight watchers (I will refer to as ww from now on) for the second time I only lost 7 lbs. It will be a real break through for me to loose 10 lbs, so I guess that's my first goal, 10 lbs! Wish me luck.
I hope to get on here and journal my feelings often, but for sure I'll report every Wednesday.

Here We Go....

I was reading my friend's blog today and she decided that she was going to document her "weight loss journey" on her blog, in hopes that by publicizing it, it would only help motivate her to do that much better. So, I've decided to not post on my family's blog about it, but to start another blog just for my own thoughts and feelings. (Not that I disagree with what she's doing AT ALL, I know that sounded wrong or rude, but I just want a separate blog for this drama!)
This is going to be a very personal thing I'm going to share, but I too feel like this may only help motivate me along my own journey, and in some way or another, help me feel accountable for my actions. So please, feel free to read and share your thoughts, and know that this is a big step for me to make these private and personal feelings public (I mean it's obvious to everyone that I'm struggling with my weight) but the feelings have mostly been kept to myself. If I could I would hire a personal trainer and nutritionist and I'd send myself off to one of the Biggest Looser ranches for awhile until I could get myself under control, but since those are completely impossible and out of the question for me, I'm settling with blogging about my continued journey and I'm planning on starting weight watchers again this Wednesday.
On Sunday I popped in the Glenn Beck conversion story DVD that I bought Kev for his bday, since he so rudely watched it without me! (: And some of the things he said on there were quite shocking to me b/c his thoughts of despair and pain while he was still an active alcoholic and non-member were almost exactly some of the same things I've thought about to myself with my eating and lack of exercise habits. And I've decided I am really a food-a-holic and I NEED HELP! I tell myself every night that tomorrow I'm going to do better. Tomorrow I'm going to exercise and pull it together. Tomorrow I'm not going to eat any sweets or junk food, I'm not going to eat after a certain time and night. And EVERY STINKIN' DAY I come up with another excuse to not follow through. I think well, as soon as these are gone I won't buy or make any more, or I can't exercise right now b/c I have to do this or that first, or I don't want the kids to watch me or bother me while I'm trying to do a work out video or whatever. It just goes on and on and on. And frankly I just don't know how to keep my mouth shut when it comes to food cravings. I know I am a choc-o-holic, I have to have chocolate every day, and I'm sure that would be just fine to have a little bit every day IF I had been eating right for the whole day and IF I had at least exercised that day...but no...that's just not the case.
I've tried weight watchers before, once after I had Josh and it worked! I got down to 10 lbs within my goal weight and I felt AMAZING! But then I got pregnant with Dallin and all the blasted weight came right back on and I haven't been able to get a hold of myself since. I did the HCG diet, recently, and lost 21 lbs, but that was so weird. I started feeling a relief that my shirts and clothes weren't feeling so tight anymore, a little bit of self confidence was starting to creep back in and I was feeling good. But after the drops were done, I didn't stick to the continued 6 weeks no sugar no starch and the whole thing was all for not! I did not, however, feel good about the foods I was being asked to avoid during that diet as well as the fact that I felt like I had absolutely NO fiber in the diet. Fiber is a good and healthy thing and through weight watchers (which I'll have started 3 times by the time I start this next round) I've found that it is a key element to better health.
Actually the very first time in my life when I felt good about my body, was right before I got married. I started doing Tae Bo without intentionally doing any monitoring of my diet and I got to my healthy weight range and for the first time I felt completely confident and comfortable with my body! And I was doing great until I got pregnant with Kait and put on a ton of weight. Dang pregnancies!
Anyway...I've had it with myself. I'm SO tired of feeling tired and unmotivated and disgusted with myself...I have GOT to do something and I've got to do it now. I don't like looking and feeling this way. I'm ashamed of the example I am to my children, they need to see me caring about my health and taking care of my body like I want them to do. I know that all of these arising health problems that I've never had before in my life are almost certainly due to my excess weight. My optical nerve endings are elevated (which, in researching, can be due to being overweight) the doctors have been very alarmed about them being elevated and they want me to have a spinal tap done to be sure that I don't have excess pressure on my brain which could be a cause of the elevated nerve endings. But I don't want to do it, b/c I know it'll feel just like an epidural and I hate those things but even more so b/c I know after going through that procedure they'll just end up telling me that it's b/c I am overweight and that I really need to do something about it.
My feet are KILLING me, every morning when I get up they hurt SO bad just to start my walking and moving around for the day. I can't walk normally anymore, I feel like I'm always having to favor my left foot and be really careful with how I walk on it. When I was having a pedicure done the other week, I about jumped through the roof when they started trying to massage my foot! That's the first time it's ever been painful at all, during a pedicure, so I know that my feet are getting even worse. AND I KNOW it's b/c of my weight. The doctor (a few years ago) diagnosed me with planter fasciitis for my foot pain and said along with it being affected by my weight it was also from my constant choice of flip flops for my shoes. I'm not supposed to wear those any more, but I hate the way my legs look, even more, when I wear shoes and socks...so what d'ya do?
My heart has been beating really irregularly lately. I think it's done that off and on for years now, but it seems like it's really getting to be more frequent lately, very much more noticeable. I've thought of going in to the doctor about that, but again, I'm sure they'll just attribute that to my weight also. My hemorrhoids are SO bad right now. They are extremely painful and bothersome...I'm sure that's from the weight too. I don't know.
I realized when we went to 6 Flags in CA last year in Jan, that I can't be going to amusement parks anymore, being this size. My size was more terrifying that ANY of the rides I went on, b/c I was SO afraid of the dang harnesses popping open or not being able to shut all the way and that I would fall out, or that they'd have to "excuse" me from the ride. The airplane ride was horrible, I'm going to have to be one of those people that has to buy an extra seat next time I ride one. I was SO squished! I hate trying to go swimming anymore...it's just SO embarrassing and I have absolutely LOVED swimming my whole life! It's almost one of my favorite recreational things to do and I feel like I can't anymore.
I'm just in tears writing this b/c it's so embarrassing and it's sickening to me to be listing all of these things, but like I said...I'm hoping it will only help me get to my goal faster. I'm not trying to make anyone feel sorry for me, I'm trying to be totally honest and forthcoming with my feelings and future efforts and set backs. Another thing that's going to be hard for me, admitting my failures and really being honest about my reasoning and rationalizing about my actions.
I want to succeed, I want to be healthy and I want to feel good and confident with myself and my body. I don't want to be super model material, I'll be happy getting back to where I was before I got pregnant with Dallin, I'll be happy with myself if I can just follow through and really do for myself what I am hoping I'll do.
Bear with me and please don't feel like you have to be reading this, I don't believe I'll be doing many pictures, I'd love to do a before and after, but I don't know if I'll ever get there at the rate I'm going right now. I guess I'm feeling pretty down right now b/c it's my daughter's 2nd bday today and about a year or 6 months ago, my sisters-in-law Kim and Stephanie both told me that they didn't really get back into shape until their youngest children were 2 years old. Here she is 2 years old and here I am, still blubbered out bigger than ever. I just can't believe this. I look like I'm 5 months pregnant and I know people are wondering if I might be, again. Dallin even asked me if I was going to have another baby because "my tummy is getting WAAAAAAAAAAAY bigger." Bless his little heart, I know he doesn't mean to make me feel bad, but it does and I'd rather he say things like that if it's true b/c I know nobody else will tell me. Kev has been so nice, I just feel so ashamed to be with him. His family are all thin and so are their spouses, I know he's got to feel somewhat embarrassed even though he swears he's not. And it's so hard for me to feel romantic...ever, and I know Kev is taking that as me not really liking him anymore, which is SO not true. ugh! (I told you it would be probably more info that anyone really wanted to hear, but I figure if you're still reading this post by now, you may as well care to know)
I don't know if I need to change my anti-depressant but I just can't get myself motivated enough to actually get up and make this change that so desperately needs to happen. I feel so tired and overwhelmed and unmotivated that I can't tell if it's the wrong medication I'm on or if it's all just due to my overweightness. (not a word, I know)
Anyway....those are my thoughts for today and I just wanted to get it all out there so that I can get moving on my continued quest for health and happiness.
PS I am SO hungry right now. not going to do it...not going to do it.