It's the Night Before...

Here I am the night before my first weigh in, and I've got to say I'm NERVOUS! Nervous means I didn't do or give 100% this week, unfortunately I only did about 50% so I'm not excited about seeing that scale. Ugh! I don't understand why I can't do better for myself. I only exercised twice this week and that's not ok. I've heard that some people only did cardio for 30 min 3-5 times a week and were on ww and lost all of their weight that way. Why is 30 min a day too much to ask. I thought about exercising all week, but could not get myself to follow through. (Is it the depression? What's the deal?)
Last night for FHE we did a little matching game with hearts that had "I love Dallin" on each one, but there was one for each member of the family. When you got a match you had to say something that you loved about that person, and when the game was over, we went back and each said something we loved about everyone in the family. I even told the kids they had to say something about themselves too. Now, I did not realize when saying this, that I too would have to say something about myself. When it was my turn the kids all said something nice (we just had Soupy say, "love you mom" or whoever's turn it was) anyway the kids had said something and I was moving on to the next person and one of them said "wait mom, you have to say something you love about yourself too." I just sat there, feeling very caught off guard and very much at a loss for words. I was trying and trying to think of something I really do love about myself and in the mean time I was feeling horrible about my example to my children of being able to show them how it's important to love ourselves as well as others. I finally said that I love that I have 4 beautiful kids. I'm not saying this for pity, I'm saying it b/c that's why I'm doing this blog, if I write it down, it really seems to help. Anyway, I hope in time, I can feel proud of myself about something. I mean there are little things I am proud about: I try to teach my children good principals in life, and I try to be good to others, but it just kills me that I haven't been able to follow through with things I want for myself lately. I want to be healthy, I want to eat better, to make exercise a habit, to be able to maintain my household order and cleanliness, to make good healthy meals for my family, to gain control of our finances, to get up and out of bed on time (when I want and need to be getting up) and etc etc etc, I am not doing ANY of this right now and I just feel like I'm failing. I'll do well for a little bit, maybe even a week or so at a time, but then I just fall right back into my regular patterns, which are not healthy patterns. I love the saying on the Biggest Looser gym wall by Bob that says "stand up and finish what you start." I want to, I want to do this! Ugh!
(Maybe I shouldn't blog at night, this is when I feel the most ashamed and upset with myself) Here's to hoping I at least can go down some on my weight tomorrow. I think I'll purchase a family gym membership tomorrow too -what with Kev's 104 hours he had last week, I think we can finally afford a membership. Unfortunately I am SOOOOO nervous to go back to the gym, I am so much bigger than the last time I was there and really into going regularly to the classes and such. I just have to get past my first "re-appearance" and then I think I can be ok.